Transformation and Synthesis: Personal Journal Notes By Eleanor Haspel-Portner, Ph.D.
On August 19, my family and I decided that we would enjoy an outing to the beach while our Thanksgiving-type turkey dinner with all its trimmings was cooked in the oven.
The ocean was as sparkly as the day. We spent a jovial time building sandcastles, carrying buckets of ocean water to and fro, and generally enjoying our
summer fun. Just after thinking how much I would love to return
to the beckoning ocean the next day for an ocean swim. My 5-year-old granddaughter dropped her pail in the surf. Marvin and I both instinctively protected our granddaughter and took charge of rescuing the pail. I reached just as a large wave broke at my feet, knocking me down.
Eleanor & Family 08-19-12
I landed hard on my right shoulder and felt a shock, as a bolt of lightning had gone through me. I sat up, assessing what happened, and said aloud, “This will completely align me.” Thus began an enormously profound spiritual healing journey, one that would reshape my awareness in ways I could never have anticipated.
Injury as a Catalyst for Consciousness Transformation
I got to my feet, aware of the children, so I reassured everyone that I was essentially “all right.” I washed as much sand from my hands and face as I could without moving my right arm (immobilized by still searing pain). I found my flip-flops and carefully proceeded to walk with one-pointed focus to the car parked in the parking lot. Marvin had already asked important medical questions, so he knew the level of my injuries. He was content that I had no head, neck, or other serious injuries needing immediate emergency medical treatment. I could hear Marvin mobilizing the family and reassuring them, but I kept moving, keeping my attention totally on getting to the car with the intention of getting home as quickly as we could.
During my walk, I focused on skills to clear trauma; I tapped, used Reiki, self-hypnosis, and other tools to fully activate inner resilience toward healing. However, as I attempted to move, I was aware that the blow to my right shoulder was significant. My difficulty moving informed me of the need to measure each move carefully to prevent further injury. I sat down in the front passenger seat, experiencing extreme discomfort as I swung myself fully into the car. I began to assess my injuries. I was covered with sand, had a scraped left knee, a slight scrape on my left hand, and a very painful right shoulder. Charles and Marvin helped the family into the minivan as they continued to explain, appropriately and carefully, to the children how to accommodate and take care of me in this situation.
Once home, I carefully navigated the tasks required to clean myself up and oversee dinner, experiencing, all the while, the nurturing love, concern, and kindness of my family. It was clear that my right shoulder was significantly injured, but was it a bruise or a break? After
After dinner, the family went home. I finally looked at my image in the mirror, and I immediately saw that my clavicle was badly broken – the break in the bone was visible, and the coloration was “off.”
A trip to the Emergency Room confirmed a distal clavicle break that had fragmented the bone. I was advised to keep my arm in a sling for the next several weeks, to not raise my arm, and to lift no more than a toothbrush – a nice concept but one, at the moment, impossible to achieve with my right hand since I could not bring my hand to my mouth without excruciating pain.
This injury became the gateway to a consciousness transformation through injury, initiating a shift far beyond the physical realm.
Entering the Tree of Life: Meditation Beyond Pain
Over the next three days, I was not at all interested in eating, and my body could not tolerate any pain medication. Other ways of healing and of stabilizing were imperative. Thus, I began a journey deep into the Tree of Life meditation experiences. In deep meditation, my interior space was my greatest ally; there, I was free of pain.
I bathed in white light that streamed in colored rainbow energies, informing my consciousness of messages to bring back to functioning awareness. I stayed in this wordless world of light for these three days.
On the fourth day, I emerged from my initial shock phase of the process. I began to explore my waking-state limitations. I learned how to open cat food cans with one hand, how to use my computer, meet my professional responsibilities, use my iPhone and iPad, etc. These tasks were complicated because I could not find comfortable or pain-free positions. Yet, I was determined to learn whatever there was to learn from this challenge to my body and to function with grace and gratitude.
Entering the Tree of Life: Meditation Beyond Pain
Six days after my “shock,” in significant pain and unable to find a comfortable position, I found myself again inside the Tree of Life. As I consciously activated it, I felt myself move into a standing position in front of one of my displays of all Aura Soma Bottles. I
stood, intentionally aligning my body for perfectly balanced external and internal equilibrium.
I was increasingly attuned and exquisitely aware of the nuances of energetic balance, and I felt each stream travelling through each cell as I envisioned the flow. This was a mind–body healing through meditation and awareness that I experienced in every cell of my body, alive and moving.
I focused on my journey through the Tree of Life, re-orienting to the first Sephiroth and each subsequent Sephiroth as I balanced and pulled energy down through my body. (Even now, as I put my experience into words, I recognize how much broader, more precise, and more expanded my actual memory and experiences were.)
I completely lost track of time, but when I returned to functioning consciousness, I wrote the “Hypnosis for Integrated Awareness.” At the time I said words to myself, I was consciously aware of the specificity of my inner suggestions and of how my words created interior neural pathways related to the Paths of Intelligence. I use language and specific words, strung together in specific ways, to determine interpretive anchors of experiences. I mindfully wrote my intentions for healing and balance into my cells to manifest.
Seeking Healing: Medicine, Meaning, and Responsibility
The following days were taken up with visits to four orthopedists to determine if it was possible and likely for my fragmented clavicle to heal. Even with the best medical care options, finding the “right” orthopedist was challenging. The first orthopedist gave my break a 50% chance of healing without surgery. I was reminded of what my Mother had told me about her pregnancy with me. Her doctor told her and my Father that the odds were 50/50 that the pregnancy could go to term. My father told the doctor that those odds were unacceptable and that he would find a doctor who would give him better odds.
I gained courage from that story and tapped into the opportunity to find better odds for myself. So, while finding the “right” orthopedist, I also worked independently to facilitate my own healing.
I had a significant experience, for example, with the 19th Path of Intelligence on the Tree of Life, the Path of Secret Works, Key 8 (Strength). I committed to its message in my life by hearing it. This Path connects Chesed to Geburah at the level of the shoulders. I got the message: “Stop shouldering responsibilities I did not need to carry.” I could delegate to others. I took action immediately to do that.
I assumed full responsibility for the events and experiences in my life and owned my interpretations of them. Thus, I was able to review all of them from many different and new perspectives. As I worked within the Tree of Life, the Tarot keys became alive on the Tree of Life.
All the Keys of Tarot became living energies in my consciousness, and they spoke to me through the Paths of Intelligence through esoteric healing and sacred synthesis.
Pain as a Messenger and a Portal to the Divine
While my healing continued and my mobility improved, I was troubled that my pain stayed constant in intensity throughout my body. What was I not hearing? Seeing? Knowing? I continued to meditate and engage in deep contemplation, seeking the source of my ignorance and separation from the unity of health and healing.
At last, I received the jolt of awareness I needed. I recognized that my pain in my clavicle was similar to past pain of both childbirth and a kidney stone. This recognition allowed breakthroughs from deep within my remembrance. My internal connections opened me to re-enter the portal I entered in August 1978, when I was in India. This portal is a gateway to the Divine.
I re-read what Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (aka Osho) said to/of me on August 4, 1978. Osho and I fully recognized each other. He talked to me of my deep consistency that others cannot, or do not always, perceive. By recognizing my core vibrational commitment to love and the core consistency of my measurement, Bhagwan validated the core to which I had committed my life. That night back then, I remembered my own words: “I will never be afraid of the dark again, for in the dark I am in brilliant white light. It always shines in me.”
I recalled what he told me when I spoke with him before returning home from India. He told me I had more than enough energy to clear anything I needed to. He told me that I had energy flowing like a stream that can dislodge any hindrances and flow freely. He encouraged me to remain independent of any input because I had what I needed. As Bhagwan’s words returned to me, I felt my pain release. I had come home.
Synthesis, Gratitude, and Living the Miracle
The grasp of all energies aligning with my Core Self, in connected threads of memories, freed me from past glitches in flow. Knowledge came together via understanding and symbols. In this defining moment, my consciousness shifted without a way to go backwards in this lifetime; my past no longer had form, only interpretive memories.
I recognized the scope of my foundational education, the subsequent research, and the careful documentation I have done over many years of study. I experienced the unspeakable love, support, and blessings I received at the University of Chicago. The presence, influence, and trust continue to live in my awareness.
I honor my training in traditional and esoteric disciplines, and the responsibility and trust placed in me to advance knowledge. I recognize and perceive the Divine Brilliance in each moment, relationship, being, all in existence, seen and unseen, known, and unknown. I know the miracle and am living it. Love IS Being.
Addendum: Integration and Ongoing Healing
Since this transformative experience, meditation continues to deepen my insights, and my body is healthy and resilient. I returned to my daily routine of self-care, which includes swimming at least half a mile a day. My clavicle is fully healed with no restrictions, and my work continues to expand the consciousness of myself and those I serve.
About the Author
Eleanor Haspel-Portner, Ph.D., integrates esoteric wisdom and scientific inquiry through her work. She earned her Ph.D. from the University of Chicago, Department of Comparative Human Development, and uniquely bridges psychology, biology, anthropology, sociology, and esoteric disciplines. Dr. Eleanor statistically documented Noble Energy Maps and the Four World Framework of Personality Development.
Beginning her clinical practice in 1974, Eleanor has worked with thousands of individuals, couples, and groups as a psychologist and board-certified coach. She has written 10 best-selling books and continues to teach and coach
Direct to this link to set up an appointment to talk with Dr. Eleanor